Dear Chump Lady,
I just heard from my mother that my soon-to-be-ex reached out to her pleading after I had made it clear I was done talking to him last week. All the things I had prayed to hear 5 months ago after D-Day. He ended it with her. He admitted what a low life coward he was. He apologized to my parents for putting them through this. He told her he always loved me and that he would give me all the time I needed.
I have been faithfully coming to your site since June reading everything. I prayed to God that he would pine after me for the rest of his life as his punishment. Maybe that prayer came true.
He was a wonderful husband and best friend until he cheated and lost his mind. After D-Day he was a cruel 180 of his former self. I want to thank you again for this website. I think in my gut I know that we could never have anything special together again. I would always picture the two of them together. I would always remember the unceremonious discard of me after 14 years together. I don’t think I would ever trust again, ever. But, I still ache for him, I thought he might implode like this and realize what he did, but not this fast.
What do I do Chump Lady? Do I entertain talking to him again for some sort of “closure” although we know that doesn’t really exist. Do I continue no contact? Almost 5 months out we are in the middle of our divorce and I am still incredibly emotionally frail. It’s what every chump prays for but now that it has happened, it is just sad. Sad that our 9 year marriage was thrown away over a few months of sleeping and living with another woman.
KS
Dear KS,
So, he’s hoovering and you’re asking me if you should take another toke on the hopium pipe and break no contact?
Um… do you know who you’re writing to?
This is not Unicorn Lady. I’m not going to encourage you to take back a man who unceremoniously dumped you for another woman. There are a bazillion places on the Internet that will. Stand for your marriage! He’s back with a rose! He chose you! Stop the consequences at once and forgive! Think of the children!
I am not that place.
I just heard from my mother that my soon-to-be-ex reached out to her pleading after I had made it clear I was done talking to him last week.
That’s nice. He violates your boundaries by triangulating with your mother. Quality partner material there.
He ended it with her.
Would you like to be his consolation prize? Provide a hanky when he gets misty watercolored memories?
Oh, right, she didn’t dump him, he ended it. You won the pick-me dance! And he’s a lying liar who lies, but hey, you can trust him on this.
He’s delusionally entitled to assume he still has a partner to come back to. That doesn’t insult you? It fills you with second-guessing? Slap yourself.
He admitted what a low life coward he was. He apologized to my parents for putting them through this.
Right. Go ahead with the divorce and report back on his remorse. He can demonstrate his apologies with a fair and generous settlement. Nothing says you can’t date him after the divorce, as he keeps on that self-improvement kick.
Oh… he doesn’t want to test that? He’d like a cessation of consequences now?
Crazy timing, that sorry.
He told her he always loved me
The whole time he was abandoning you, living with, and f*cking the Other Woman — he loved you the whole time? What kind of love was that? An annoying buzz in his head? A calendar alert on his iPhone? “Remember! You’re a married man who loves his wife!” Oh, thanks for the reminder, iPhone.
Do you want a partner who does unloving things and tells you it’s love? Do you enjoy cognitive dissonance for breakfast?
and that he would give me all the time I needed.
Right. Like he respected your 5 months of no contact.
Also, who the f*ck does he think he is? Also, do you live in a fault state? You take him back, the law considers all this infidelity/abandonment sh*t forgiven.
He was a wonderful husband and best friend until he cheated and lost his mind.
He didn’t “lose his mind.” He chose to cheat on you. And leave you. You’re already trying to absolve him from responsibility and ascribe his abuse to some sort of nebulous madness. No, he’s a f*ckwit with agency.
Do I entertain talking to him again for some sort of “closure” although we know that doesn’t really exist.
There is no closure. There’s acceptance. Which comes with time and no contact.
Talking to him again isn’t “entertaining.” It’s sticking your head in the mindf*ck blender. I don’t recommend it.
Do I continue no contact?
Well, what do you want KS? Another hit on the pipe? Or a new life? Did you divorce him in some sort of “Harrumph! I’ll show YOU!” or did you really mean it? Were you asserting your self worth, or were you just waiting for the field to clear of one pernicious Other Woman? You realize she can be replaced. As can you. But whatever, if you think he’s the Great Prize, sure, talk to him.
Watch him grovel. Enjoy the power seat for once and all his sorry. (Ask him what he’s sorry for and watch him sputter to come up with the specifics. That’s always fun.) Bask in validation from a man who abandoned you. He wants you now!
Hop back up on that carnival ride. It’ll be different this time.
Do I sound cynical? I just, like, read millions of these stories.
But KS — seriously, you want to talk to him? Don’t go it alone, do it with a lawyer. You get that settlement. I predict his sorry will evaporate. But if it doesn’t, great, you’ll have a tangible benefit.
He wants YOU to believe in the Power of Maybe. He wants YOU to invest your future in his potential. So, reciprocity. Let him take on some uncertainty. Let him demonstrate that sorry and give you a fair out, with zero promises that you’ll reconcile with him later, but you might entertain the possibility.
Will he twist in the wind for you? Or will he replace you?
I think you know the answer to this.
When given a choice between fantasy and lucidity, I prefer lucidity. I’d stay the course on the divorce.
